How Can I Get My Incredibly Attractive First Cousin To Have A Closer Relationship With Me, And Other Advice Column Questions #adessonews

There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we’re committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here’s a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.

How Can I Get My Incredibly Attractive First Cousin To Have A Closer Relationship With Me?

Recently my first cousin, Melanie, contacted me to offer condolences at the passing of my wife. The contact came after an uncomfortable hiatus of 18 years during which Melanie and I drifted apart from each other.

While I would love to forget those 18 years and rebuild my suddenly resuscitated relationship with my incredibly attractive and massively accomplished cousin, she appears to be holding those long years against me and is obviously ambivalent about rebuilding a lapsed familial bond.

Although I have been able to meet her and her lovely family members once, my subsequent overtures via phone and email have been most brutally and unceremoniously rebuffed. But I am determined to pursue this despite insurmountable barriers she has so consistently erected.

I wonder if you would recommend a different approach, or perhaps this relationship now is totally unsalvageable, and I should cut my losses and move on.

[Tribune Content Agency]

R. Eric Thomas directs the letter writer to respect Melanie’s “no.” “Talking about your cousin’s attractiveness and your insistence on breaking through her barriers raises a flag,” he writes. “Like a big flag. One of those banners that fly behind planes.” Read the rest of his answer.

Was It Age Discrimination When My Employee Informed Two Older Colleagues That They Were Doing Something Incorrectly?

When our company went 100 percent online work, my team and I helped set up 35 employees with hardware in their homes. The department we support is mostly people in their late 20s and early 30s. Two employees, Archie and Edith, both have bad attitudes and break their hardware a lot. I would say a good portion of my staff’s time is spent replacing Archie’s screen for the third time this month or fixing a virus that Edith has spread to the entire department. Don’t get me started on what they do to phones, tablets, and laptops.

I was just notified by our HR officer that both Edith and Archie have filed complaints about one of my staff members because she politely explained a process in a step-by-step email and used the words “that’s not accurate” and the “correct way.” Both Archie and Edith felt that they were being discriminated against and mocked because they’re older than the rest of the team. I read the email and that is 100 percent not what happened. After they filed their complaint, they sent harassing and abusive texts to my staff member.

HR wants me to reprimand my team member and sent an email that we all have to complete a sensitivity training course and said we can’t use the words “right, accurate, wrong, or incorrect or any version thereof, as some team members find the terms offensive and disrespectful in regards to their age.” I asked them to clarify and HR responded, “Don’t tell anyone older than you they’re wrong, it’s rude and hostile.”

I’m not willing to 1) reprimand my staff for explaining and fixing an error that could have cost our company a lot of money, or 2) let people bully my staff.

[Inc.]

Alison Green advises the letter writer to push back against their HR department. “We certainly shouldn’t be rude or disrespectful to people who are older than others on the team, but it’s ridiculous to argue that you shouldn’t correct the work of older employees,” she writes. “In fact, I’d argue it’s disrespectful and patronizing to let someone’s age deter you from letting them know they’re mistaken about something that affects their work.” Read the rest of her answer.

How Should I Deal With My Family’s Hostility After I Walked Away From A Bait-And-Switch Where My Sister Tried To Trick Me Into Babysitting Her Kids?

I recently moved home to the town where my brother and sister live with their families. I don’t have kids. I love my nieces and nephew and do’nt mind taking them out then and again … but I hate the lying and manipulation from my sister and sister-in-law. Any time I offer to help out, they claim they have everything under control, but then turn around and say shit like “I miss you and you should come over for coffee and a chat.” Only for them to ditch me within 15 minutes so they can run a “quick errand” — which will last hours. Then they have the gall to act irritated with me if I complain.

The last time this happened, my sister asked me to go out to dinner. After 20 minutes, I overheard her talking to her date on speaker phone. I got my purse and yelled that I was leaving. My sister came out swearing and wearing heels and a party dress. I got in my car and turned off my phone for a few days. When I turned it back on, I got a barrage of bitching from everyone, including my sister-in-law and brother. They were doing a double date with my sister, and I ruined their evening out! I repeated that no one asked me to babysit and that they should consider that door closed. I am now a pariah at family events, and I am very bitter about being foolish enough to move here rather than another place because of some bogus sense of family. My parents will be visiting soon. How do I deal with this? I can’t really see them separately since they are staying at my brother’s.

[Slate]

Ashley C. Ford encourages the letter writer to try to see their parents without their siblings. “These people may be your siblings, but they are not good friends to you,” she writes. “I think you are right to assert the no-babysitting boundary and to pull back in general.” Read the rest of her answer.

How Should I Deal With My Parents’ Efforts To Get Me To Break Up With My Boyfriend Because He Has A Chronic Medical Condition?

I’m a straight woman, 30, and I met a guy about six months ago. He’s funny, charming, bright, and the sex is fantastic. He’s only a few years older than I am, and everything is just wonderful. I could see myself getting married to him, maybe in the next couple of years.

He told me from the start that he had a chronic medical condition. It’s something he’s had since he was a child, and he has dealt with it to the best of his ability. He hasn’t been perfect about it, but he is pretty diligent, and I can see he does his level-headed best to keep himself healthy.

Without going into too much detail, it’s a manageable disease, but there are possibly long-term risks. There’s also a risk of something happening more immediately, which could pose a danger to both him and me, depending on circumstances.

The problem: I have mentioned this aspect of my boyfriend to friends and family. While my friends are supportive, my parents have told me in no uncertain terms that I should dump him and find someone who isn’t medically challenged. My friends tell me to ignore my parents, and my siblings agree. But my parents are bringing this issue up every time I talk to them. My parents are concerned that I am putting all my hopes and dreams on someone who could shatter them in a heartbeat.

He has met my parents, and that meeting went well, but my parents are still convinced I would be better off with someone else. I haven’t told any of this to him, and I don’t know what to do. This is burning me up.

How do I figure this out? Thanks in advance for any help you can offer.

[Boston.com]

Meredith Goldstein offers the letter writer a script for telling her parents to back off. “It can be so difficult to find good company,” she writes. “You’ve met a great person, and it sounds like you very much want to explore what the two of you can do together.” Read the rest of her answer.

Should I Tell My Partner I Want To Get Married, Since He Didn’t Respond When I Manipulated His 5-Year-Old Into Asking Why We’re Not Married?

I’m a 36-year-old woman who is eager to get married, but my live-in partner doesn’t seem to be picking up on my hints. I’ve tried dropping subtle clues and even resorted to bribing his 5-year-old son to ask why we aren’t married yet in exchange for ice cream after breakfast. However, my partner continues to make excuses and avoids the topic. I’m wondering if it’s time for me to directly ask him about marriage, or if his behavior is a sign that he may not be interested in taking that next step. Should I gather the courage to have a candid conversation with him, or are these signs indicating that he may not be ready to commit? He is a decent man in all aspects.

[UExpress]

Harriette Cole points out that it can create problems to move in with a romantic partner without a clear sense of what they want in the future. “Do not be shy. Tell him you want to get married. Ask him if he wants the same,” she writes. “Figure out now if the two of you are on the same page or if you can get there.” Read the rest of her answer.

What Should I Do About My Boyfriend’s Coldness Since I Refused To Quit My Job To Take Care Of His Mother, Who Has Dementia?

My boyfriend’s mom has dementia. He asked me and my kids to move in with him and said he would marry me. In exchange, he expected me to quit my job and take care of his mom. I felt it was a disaster waiting to happen, and taking care of someone with dementia while raising two teenagers was a terrible idea, so I refused.

He put his mother in a nursing home, and now I am no longer treated the same by him. The woman is abusive. She hits and bites and isn’t easy to deal with. Living with her would have destroyed our relationship and been stressful for my children. My boyfriend isn’t the easiest guy to open up to. I’m sad and don’t know what to do.

[UExpress]

Abigail Van Buren counsels the letter writer to move on from this relationship. “He was looking for an easy solution (for him) to his mother problem,” she writes. “He treats you differently because he’s angry you didn’t go along with his plans for you.” Read the rest of her answer.