What Should I Do After Learning That My Girlfriend Believes The Earth Is Flat, And Other Advice Column Questions #adessonews

There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we’re committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here’s a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.

What Should I Do After Learning That My Girlfriend Believes The Earth Is Flat?

I am a divorced man, raising two sons alone and getting back into the dating world at 43 years old. I am a few months into dating this absolutely amazing woman and I’ve enjoyed it very much. She seems to be the total package in many, many ways! She is kind, thoughtful, empathetic, soft, genuine, intuitive, honest and many more beautiful characteristics. I truly am falling for her and I feel we could have a long, beautiful future, but I just recently found out she is a flat-earther. I was absolutely shocked. At first, I thought she was kidding. After some discussion, she deeply believes flat earth conspiracies, suggests that I’m just following what I’ve been told, and does not seem very receptive to learning more about it.

I cannot eloquently explain how disappointed I am, or why! It defies all logic, observable facts, and is absolutely absurd. I feel like I’ve lost so much respect for her and I cannot seem to reconcile that feeling with how I care about everything else she is. And to make matters worse, she is teaching her kids to believe the same thing. I am a very mathematical and science-oriented man and I could even sit her down and show her some basic maths, but I doubt that would go well!

How should I handle this? She seems annoyed when I bring it up, and I probably didn’t handle it very well at first. I seriously care for her but I also am struggling with respecting anyone who believes such a nonsense conspiracy theory they learned about on YouTube. Please help!

[The Guardian]

Eleanor Gordon-Smith advises the letter writer to reflect on what his girlfriend’s beliefs say about her values. “A relationship can go fine despite a difference in belief,” she writes. “A difference in deep values is much harder.” Read the rest of her answer.

Should I Continue Secretly Paying For My Partner’s Kids’ Expensive Hobbies To Help Him Keep Up Appearances After He Lost His Job?

My partner and I rent a house together to be near his teenagers. I own my own home that I am currently renting out. We agreed to split our household expenses fifty-fifty. His kids and their mother are very hostile towards me (and were to his previous fiancée), so I basically step back when they are here. I say hi, bye, and go about my day. I’d rather be a maid than deal with the headaches of hassling them not to leave messes wherever they go.

The problem is my partner was laid off before the holidays, and convinced me to keep up appearances for the sake of his kids. So all the expensive presents and the ski trip were from me. Now, months later, my partner expects this just to continue. He is behind on his share of the bills while leading his kids to believe they can still do their expensive hobbies, and things like sleepaway camp.

My partner is no closer to finding another job and isn’t interested in cutting down costs. We keep fighting about it. He accuses me of bean counting and not wanting to be a team. I am tired of getting no say in anything while expected to pony up all the cash.

My renter’s lease is up soon and I am really considering leaving all this. I feel horrible about it and I could use some clarity here please.

[Slate]

Hillary Frey urges the letter writer to be clear with their partner about what they need from him. “You do not need to shoulder the expenses for his kids,” she writes. “I think you need to draw a hard line on that — they are his and his ex’s responsibility, and he has to figure out how to support their activities if that is how their agreement is set up.” Read the rest of her answer.

What Should I Do About My Parents’ Habit Of Panicking Whenever They Can’t Reach Me Or My Roommates On The Phone?

I got my dream job last year and moved to New York City. I found a decent place to live with three compatible roommates and I’m figuring things out and loving life.

My parents, on the other hand, are miserable. They live only a few hours away in a small town and think I am going to get killed or robbed living where I do. They can’t accept that I can take care of myself.

They call me every day. I answer when I can, but it’s not always convenient. Sometimes I’m asleep, sometimes it’s too early, and sometimes I’m just busy and don’t want to talk to them or anyone else for that matter.

When I don’t answer, they immediately call my roommates, one after another. Then my roommates end up waking me or texting me to call my parents so they stop freaking out.

I understand my parents’ being nervous, but it’s been nine months now and they’re always calling about something unimportant that can wait. It’s so embarrassing to explain to my roommates why my parents are calling them about me when I’m almost 25. I’ve asked my parents to stop but they say they can’t, so I told my roommates to block my parents’ numbers.

Yesterday when I called my mom back, she was sobbing, saying my dad almost had a heart attack when they couldn’t get a hold of any of us. He wanted to call the police. I tried to talk to him, but he was too mad at me to take my call.

I don’t know what to do. I want to live my life, but I hate upsetting them this way.

[The Washington Post]

Carolyn Hax encourages the letter writer to tell their parents that they will call home once a week, and to block their numbers in between calls. “[I]t’s not your job to fix your parents,” she writes. “The blocking is merely to break the panic circuit and create space, which is your job.” [Read the rest of her](answer https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/09/08/carolyn-hax-parents-call-daily-new-york/).

Wasn’t It Sleazy For My Friend To Use The Cash Gift I Gave Him At His Dad’s Funeral To Pay For Funeral Expenses?

Is there etiquette (or ethics) around what survivors do with memorial money donated at a funeral? I always thought a memorial donation was meant to be given to a charity of the family’s choice in honor of the deceased. A close friend of mine just lost his elderly father, and because the family hadn’t listed any preferred charities in the obituary, I put a hefty cash donation with the card at the funeral, assuming it would go to a charity of their choice.

Later, my friend mentioned that he and his siblings were going to put any memorial cash toward funeral expenses. I know that funerals are expensive, but my friend is doing well financially, and his brother married into generational wealth of an amount that is mind-boggling. It seems petty and cheap, and perhaps dishonest, of them to put memorials toward expenses. If I had known this, I would have donated directly to a charity, but it’s too late for that now. If they were struggling financially, I wouldn’t mind so much, but it seems inappropriate at best, and downright sleazy at worst. Or maybe everyone does this and I have been deluded about the purpose of memorial donations. I’m also not sure whether to bring it up with my friend or let it go. Your thoughts?

[Slate]

Ilyce Glink calls it unseemly to count other people’s money during difficult times. “I’m baffled as to why you think there’s something wrong with the family using it to defray costs rather than donate it to a charitable organization,” she writes. “Funerals can be extremely expensive.” [Read the rest](of her answer https://slate.com/advice/2024/09/friend-father-funeral-money-personal-finance-advice.html).

How Can I Get My Mother-In-Law To Stop Showing Up And Watching Me And My Husband On Our Date Nights?

My husband, “Jake,” tells his mother where we plan to go and what we plan to do on our “date nights.” On several occasions, she has actually shown up. She pretends to be surprised when she sees us, asking us “what we’re up to.” She doesn’t try to sit with us or hang around, thank goodness, but she’s there, watching and listening from a short distance. She has never liked me, and I suspect this is another of her passive-aggressive ways to get under my skin.

Our date nights are an active effort to try to save our marriage. The first time she showed up, I told Jake I didn’t like it and that it better not happen again. He assured me it wouldn’t. I also asked him to stop telling her where we’re going and what we’re going to do. He hasn’t done that. He says he “can’t” tell his mother to leave because it’s a public place, and she has every right to be there, too. What should I do?

[UExpress]

Abigail Van Buren suggests marriage counseling. “Your MIL does have a right to patronize any restaurant she pleases, but she should not be hovering over your shoulders,” she writes. “A therapist may be able to help you get that message across to your husband, whose priorities appear to be skewed.” Read the rest of her answer.

Should I Wear A Cornel West Button At Work To Signal To People That I Don’t Want To Talk About Politics?

I recently started a new mid-level position in a professional office in a heavily-Democratic region of the country. People tend to assume you are a Democrat, and political comments that are anti-Trump and pro-Harris are extremely common. I happen to be anti-Trump AND anti-Harris, and I don’t want to hear anything about politics at work, ever. It makes me feel “othered” and has led to me struggling a bit to form bonds with my new colleagues, which I feel is important to my success with the company — and I don’t know how to act or what to say when these comments are made directly to me.

What do you think about my wearing a Cornel West button on my coat, in hopes that people might notice and just stop talking politics with or in front of me? Is there anything else I can do? I should add that if someone noticed my button and then attempted to talk to me about my political beliefs, I think I would feel comfortable politely letting them know that I’d prefer to not discuss politics at work.

[Ask A Manager]

Alison Green counsels the letter writer just to tell their coworkers that they don’t want to talk about politics. “The button would signal that you’re inviting political conversation (and in this case not just conversation, but probably debate) — and it will come across oddly to wear it and then say you don’t want to talk about politics at work,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.

Read last week’s column here.